Carolina In My Mind

In my mind i'm going to carolina
Can't you see the sunshine
Can't you just feel the moonshine
Ain't it just like a friend of mine
To hit me from behind
And i'm going to carolina in my mind
-- James Taylor

This last Sunday I was over at a friend's house watching the NFC Championship game which turned out to be a throrough spanking of the Carolina Panthers by the Seattle Seahawks. As it slowly dawned on us that the game was going to be a non-game, somebody brought up the Carolina Panthers. Specifically, which Carolina? North or South? We all agreed it had to be North Carolina since you never hear anything about South Carolina. But nobody could say what city in North Carolina the Panthers hail from. But I want to tell my 8th grade Geography teacher Mr. Henderson that I remembered that the capitol of North Carolina is Raleigh. I want to also tell my 9th grade English teacher Mrs. Greene that I still know the difference between capitol and capital. Thanks guys, you taught me well. And I still know how to brown-nose.

But it got me thinking about South Carolina (yes, Mr. Henderson, I remember the capitol of South Carolina is Columbia). I don't know anybody from South Carolina. I've never met anybody from South Carolina. "Does South Carolina even exist," I asked the people in the room, "has anybody ever met someone from South Carolina?" Nobody else had ever met anybody from South Carolina either, except for Holly. She claims that she has been to South Carolina but the only proof she has is some dark blurry picture of her in a hotel lobby that looks like it could have been taken in Poughkeepsie, New York. I've been to Poughkeepsie. I know it's there. So I'm not convinced that Holly has been to South Carolina.

But why would she lie about that? My theory is this. A long time ago, the U.S. got to 49 states but 49 is just not a good number. 50 is a nice, even number and 50 stars looks good on a flag, so some people decided to invent a new state just to up the number to 50. That's how we got South Carolina.

South Carolina doesn't actually exist. But through some very thorough indoctrination, we all now believe in the existence of South Carolina though nobody has ever been there and nobody has ever met anybody who comes from there. I know it's dangerous to question this and even more dangerous to publish my doubts. I'm sure that Black helicopters are now coming for me, but I must have the courage to expose the truth.

A couple of people brought up the "fact" that Steve Spurrier coaches football at the University of South Carolina. I asked them if they have ever seen them play? Of course they haven't. A nonexistent football team at a nonexistent college in a nonexistent state is not gonna be seen on TV.

What about the big chunk of land where South Carolina is supposed to be? I think the land exists, but nobody lives there. It's a big government facility.

It's where they filmed the moon landing.