It's not stealing.

A says:
have you heard the "i stole cigarettes from the ashtray" anti-smoking ad?
B says:
nope
A says:
i heard it on the radio yesterday. so it goes like this
(girl's voice) "my friends and I would sluff school and one day we stole cigarettes from an ashtray. and my friends were like "do you want to smoke it?" and I didn't want to be lame so I did."
"we sluffed school a lot so we started stealing more cigrettes out of the ash tray, and pretty soon I started liking it."
B says:
oh good christ
A says:
OK. First of all, that's not really stealing.
If I sneezed into a tissue and threw it on the sidewalk, and you come by and pick it up and wipe your ass with it, I wouldn't say you stole my tissue.
B says:
LOL
those fucking ads make me want to smoke
just because they're so gay
A says:
But, it's worse than that
B says:
uh oh
A says:
What about the SLUFFING????
So they're all bent out of shape that the kid smoked some butts they found in an ashtray, but NOTHING, no big deal, about the sluffing???
Seriously, the girl actually said "we sluffed a lot."
B says:
hahahahaha i didn't think of that
A says:
OK, if I had 2 kids, and one didn't smoke but was sluffing, and one smoked but got straight A's, guess who's ass is going to get a kicking??
B says:
hahahaha
that's so true
fucking anti-smoking people
i swear they make more kids smoke
if the kids are anything like i was
A says:
*shakes head*

Afternoon Delights

A says: (3:09:03 PM)
http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08093/869779-114.stm
A says: (3:09:25 PM)
Previous studies involving 1,600 people, he said, already had shown that the average time span for intercourse was only five to seven minutes.
B says: (3:09:43 PM)
didn't they only survey men?
B says: (3:10:01 PM)
seems like i read that before
A says: (3:10:19 PM)
... and that includes the foreplay, undressing, finding the condom, unsealing it, rolling it on... and also the "hold on baby, let me get you a tissue" at the end.
B says: (3:10:25 PM)
SHUT UP
B says: (3:10:29 PM)
lol
A says (3:10:33 PM)
:P
A says: (3:10:54 PM)
"Sky rockets in flight...... beeeuuuuuuuuuwwwwwup! Afternoon delight!"

Another day, another teacher, another student

A says: (10:10:20 AM)
http://www.heraldextra.com/content/view/260876/17/
B says: (10:10:49 AM)
god bless BFE utah
A says: (10:11:01 AM)
"I think of all the education that I missed, but then my homework was never quite like this..." -- van halen
B says: (10:11:20 AM)
hahaha
A says: (10:11:49 AM)
she's pretty hot though. I'd hit it... don't wanna get shot by the crazy ass husband though
B says: (10:12:40 AM)
dude seriously
"found his wife and the teen downstairs with candles and oils"
bahaha i love that they put that detail in the story
A says: (10:13:46 AM)
i liked the kid's "it was just a massage" story
B says: (10:13:54 AM)
clever ;)
A says: (10:14:27 AM)
but he should have added something to make it more believable, like that he is gay.
B says: (10:14:32 AM)
lol
i don't even LIKE chicks!
A says: (10:15:00 AM)
"I'm gay. I was just giving her a massage and doing aromatherapy."
B says: (10:15:07 AM)
bahahaha
with my pants down
A says: (10:17:11 AM)
"oh that... uh... i forgot my massage roller at home so I was just improvising...
B says: (10:17:35 AM)
LOL
sick
but amusing

Volunteer

A: (4:18:29 PM)
this dude needs volunteers... http://flickr.com/photos/15702350@N00/2360087606/sizes/o/
B: (4:19:28 PM)
"...which will then be exhibited in a way that all subjects are compared and contrasted."
B: (4:19:30 PM)
lmao
A: (4:19:43 PM)
lol...
A: (4:20:42 PM)
"i'll volunteer, if you are like one of those caricature guys at the park, you know, the ones who draw really big heads on people..."
B: (4:21:23 PM)
LOL
B: (4:21:25 PM)
hahahahahahahaha

A recent I.M. conversation:

A: This woman should have been booked for stupidity. http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_8715725
B: No kidding
A: Not just for putting herself in front of a car to stop it, but also for thinking there is any guy worth getting run over.
B: I'm putting this as reason #1,763 for not getting married.
A: Well, just don't get married to a crazy asshole. Wait. We're all crazy assholes.
B: Ain't that the truth.
A: I'll be the first to admit that. I'm an asshole. Now fuck off.
B: LOL

Strange Coincidences

The British actor Anthony Hopkins [who shot to fame as Hannibal Lecter] was delighted to hear that he had landed a leading role in a film based on the book The Girl From Petrovka by George Feifer. A few days after signing the contract, Hopkins travelled to London to buy a copy of the book. He tried several bookshops, but there wasn't one to be had. Waiting at Leicester Square underground for his train home, he noticed a book apparently discarded on a bench. Incredibly, it was The Girl From Petrovka. That in itself would have been coincidence enough but in fact it was merely the beginning of an extraordinary chain of events. Two years later, in the middle of filming in Vienna, Hopkins was visited by George Feifer, the author. Feifer mentioned that he did not have a copy of his own book. He had lent the last one - containing his own annotations - to a friend who had lost it somewhere in London. With mounting astonishment, Hopkins handed Feifer the book he had found. 'Is this the one?' he asked, 'with the notes scribbled in the margins?' It was the same book.

More strange coincidences here.

Buggers!

What's That Bug? is a cool website that helps people identify the little creatures they find around them. Lisa Ann and Daniel, the website purveyors, have helped identify hundreds of beetles, mites, spiders, centipedes, butterflies and other multilegged friends from all over the world.

The fascinating photos are fun to browse. The subjects range from the mundane housefly to the sublime Eastern Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly, to the fascinating Giant Ichneumon, and the scary Mexican Cancle Tailless Whipscorpion and the Toe Biter. There's even one that looks like Cousin Itt of the Addams Family. The authors include a little bit of information about most of the species they identify and a few tips on how you can get rid of things like pantry beetle infestations.

They don't just have pictures of live ones, they have pictures of squished ones too.

Paul Is Dead

So let me introduce to you the one and only Billy Shears and Sgt. Pepper's lonely heart's club band...
-- The Beatles, "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band"

28 IF
-- License Plate on the VW Beetle on the Abbey Road album. Paul McCartney would have been 28 years old if he was alive when the album was released.

Did Paul McCartney die in a car accident sometime around 1966 and was replaced by a look-a-like named Billy Shears? This website compares pictures the real Paul McCartney to the faux-Paul and discovers that Paul suddenly grew a couple of inches and got a sharp chin sometime around the release of the Sgt. Pepper album. Paul is dead.

Whaddaya know?

Here is a quiz involving 10 questions (plus 1 extra-credit question) that various scientists think every high-schooler should know. Take the quiz yourself and see what you know.

I got 7 out of 10 plus the extra credit.

Think Your Commute Is Bad?

This guy drives 186 miles. Each way. And he's done it for 17 years. He works for Cisco Systems in San Jose but lives in Mariposa.

One thought: Why?

Ketchup From A Bottle

Ketchup can be regarded as a highly viscous liquid, or a thixotropic (flows under pressure) solid. Neither term is exactly correct, but the problem is not what to call it. The problem is how to get the ketchup out of the bottle, in measured quantities, without making a mess.

Yes, there is a right way to pour ketchup from a bottle and it's not the way you've been doing it. It's not intuitive, but the article makes sense.

Plastic squeeze bottles is for pussies. HA!

Happy Pi Day

π

Today, March 14, is Pi Day. The first few digits of Pi are 3.14159 so next year make sure you set your alarm clock to wake you up at 1:59 A.M. to celebrate the Pi Minute.

Don't confuse Pi Day with Pi Approximation Day, which occurs on July 22, or 22/7 as written in international format.

This Salmon Sucks

OK, the salmon itself doesn't suck but there is a little sucky-sucky that went into making this salmon dish. I made this with a method developed in France about 30 years ago called sous vide that is now becoming popular in some of the high end restaurants in the United States. Chef Thomas Keller is using it quite bit at French Laundry in Napa Valley and Per Se in Manhattan, and if it's good enough for Thomas Keller, it's definitely good enough for ol' Jimbo. Cooking sous vide involves vacuum sealing fish and meat then cooking it in water baths at low temperatures, typically between 140 to 160 degrees F. The benefit is that most of the cellular walls maintain their integrity. They don't burst and release their juices, which happens under high heat. Foods cooked sous vide is supposed to be more moist than those cooked in conventional pans and ovens.

In a restaurant the technique requires industrial vacuum sealers and large precise-temperature-controlled water baths. I don't have this kind of equipment at home but I still wanted to see if I could apply some of the technique with equipment I already have. Besides, I don't have the kind of cash flow that allows me to eat at French Laundry and Per Se. (Translation: I'm a cheap bastard.)

Amazingly, my cheap ass had sprung for a Tilia FoodSaver vacuum sealer a couple of years ago. Actually it's really not that amazing since the reason why I got it was because I was sick and tired of throwing away good leftovers that had spoiled and good chunks of Gruyère and Comté cheese that had gotten a bit too moldy. Yes, I got a $100 machine to save $10 of cheese. I said I was cheap. I didn't say I was smart.

Chefs are using sous vide for not only fish, but all sorts of meats from ribs to roasts. Fish cooks fairly quickly, around 25-30 minutes, but cooking large cuts of meat with this technique can take up to 24 hours. For my first experiment I decided to stick salmon, which should be relatively simple. I found fileted sides of salmon on sale at my supermarket for $4.50/pound. Ka-CHING. My cheap ass was already happy.

At home I made a spice mix of dill & fennel, cut the salmon into steaks and rolled them in the spices. I vacuum sealed them two steaks at a time using my FoodSaver.

Next I had to decide at what temperature I wanted to cook the food. 140 F is typically what you want to achieve with fish but since this was my first time cooking this way I decided to err on the safe side and shoot for 160 to make sure I didn't undercook the fish. To make a constant-temperature water bath I resorted to a technique I learned during my beer-making days. I preheated my oven to 160 F, then brought a pot of water up to the same temperature using a stove top burner. I monitored both the oven and the water bath using a digital thermometer. I put the vacuum packs into the water and brought the temperature back up to 160 on the stove top. Once the bath reached the my desired temperature I covered the pot and put it in the oven.

The nice thing about this method is that the food is guaranteed never to exceed the temperature of the water bath so you don't have to worry too much about cooking it too long and overcooking your food. I left the salmon in the bath for 30 minutes. Normally, braising salmon on the stove top would only take about 5 to 10 minutes.

I removed the vacuum packs and tested the internal temperature of the fish using an instant-read. It was at 159 F. There was a small amount of juice left in the pack but not a lot.

I served the salmon over orzo pasta tossed with basil and olive oil. The salmon was flaky but still moist and flavorful. This is definitely my preferred way to make salmon from now on, though in the future I think it is safe to use a lower temperature, 140 or 150 F.

Salmon Sous Vide with Fennel and Dill
Serves 6

2 pound salmon filet, cut into 6 steaks
1 Tbsp dried fennel
2 Tbsp brown sugar
2 Tbsp paprika
2 tsp kosher salt
1 tsp ground pepper
2 tsp dried dill weed
6 round lemon slices
lemon wedges and/or tartar for serving

Equipment needed:
* FoodSaver vacuum sealer, 3 8" X 11" vacuum pack bags
* Oven Thermometer
* Thermometer for water bath

Preheat oven to 150 F.

Grind the fennel or pound in a mortar and pestle to break up the seeds. Mix with the other dry ingredients. Toss with the salmon steaks until the fish is evenly coated. Put a lemon round on each steak and seal two steaks in each vacuum pack.

Put the packs in a pot of water and heat the water to 150 F. Constantly monitor the thermometer and stir the pot often to keep the water circulating to prevent hot spots. When the water reaches 150 F take if off the stove, cover and place in the oven for another 25 minutes. Total cooking time should be around 30-35 minutes.

Discard the lemon rounds and serve with lemon wedges and/or tartar sauce.

Damn Those Italians

Damn those Italians. When I eat a dish like Fettucine Alfredo I curse those damned Italians, not because anything is wrong but because everything is right. Just about everything that comes out of Italy is right, the food, the wine, the cars, the women. I curse those damned Italians because they got it good. The only thing I can think of that the Italians don't do well is politics. But in a way, that isn't a bad thing.

Politics thrives on disatisfaction and anger. Italians have great food, great wine, gorgeous cars and beautiful women. Why would an Italian be disatisfied? They're not. They're among the happiest people on the planet because they know what they have and they know they are the envy of the world.

Take Italian food for example. Italian food is about flavor. It's not beautifully presented like nouveau cuisine nor insanely complex like traditional French dishes. Cooking traditional French cuisine is like being a virtuoso classical piano player who has mastered everything from Bach to Handel to Copeland. French chefs must know how to sautée, braise, poach, stew, fry, sear and simmer. Not only do they must know how to chop, mince or julienne a carrot, but they also need to know how to carve carrots and potatoes into perfectly uniform fingerlings so that they all cook evenly. They must know how to make mousses, soufflés and meringues. French chefs must know the differences between pâte à choux, pâte brisée, pâte sucrée and pâte sablée, and how to make them and how to use them. They must know 400 different cheeses and about 200 different wine appellations. Cooking for French eaters is a high pressure job. Michelin, the French tire company, publishes a restaurant guide in France. French chefs bask in praise, glory and lots of money when their restaurants earn the coveted 1, 2 and 3 stars but they are also known to consider suicide when they lose a Michelin star. On the other hand, Pirelli, the Italian tire company, publishes a calendar of beautiful women.

Unlike French cuisine, Italian food is simple. It's peasant food: Pasta, meat, sauce, cheese, bread, all served family style in large bowls and serving plates with a bottle of chianti or sangiovese. No beautiful arrangements and no flaming desserts. It doesn't have to be complex, it just has to taste good, like pasta alfredo. The sauce is easy: Just cream, butter and cheese. But man, what a potent combination!

Last night I made Sautéed Chicken in Pasta Alfredo and I cursed the damned Italians as I savored every bite of this simple dish because it was so easy. Too easy to make. So much flavor, so little effort. Damn those Italians! It's not fair!

Sautéed Chicken with Pasta Alfredo
Serves 4

1/2 lb pasta (a large pasta like fettucine or farfalle)
1 cup heavy cream
4 tbsp unsalted butter
2 chicken breasts, cut into 1/4" wide strips
2 tbsp unsalted butter
2 tbsp oil
1/2 cup grated parmigiana cheese
pinch nutmeg
salt and pepper

Bring a large pot of water to boil. Add salt and cook the pasta just short of al dente. It will cook a little longer in the alfredo cream sauce.

While the pasta is cooking, combine the 4 tbsp butter and heavy cream in a small sauce pan over medium-low heat. Whisk until the butter is melted and incorporated into the cream. Remove from heat and set aside.

In a heavy sautée pan, heat the 2 tbsp butter and 2 tbsp oil over medium-high heat. Pat the chicken dry with paper towels and sautee until browned. Add the sauce, cheese and nutmeg and reduce to medium. Drain and add the pasta and bring to a simmer. Simmer for 3 more minutes until the sauce thickens. Deglaze the pan while simmering. Add salt & fresh pepper to taste.

Serve with bread and a bottle of pinot grigio. Feel free to curse the Italians as you enjoy your meal.

God Put This...PFFFT...In My Spirit

Many years ago my friend Darren, who has a blog on MySpace, showed me one of the funniest videos I have ever seen. It was "the farting preacher." Apparently some creative bathroom-humor lovin' video editor took clips of a real televangelist and liberally added some of his own dubbing.

Yesterday I was browsing Google Videos and found that there we are now up to FIVE "farting preacher" videos. HALLELUJAH! PFFFFT.

The one that started it all: The Farting Preacher
The second one is here.
The third one is here.
The fourth one is here.
The fifth one is here.

Take a small car, a squirt gun, a couple of wigs. Add music. Film it.

After watching this music video I now support a United Nations ban on sales of camcorders to eastern european countries.

I have no idea what I just witnessed on my computer screen.

Ginger-Soy Pork Chops

A couple of days ago I was reading Clotilde Dusoulier's great food blog Chocolate & Zucchini where she talked about her experience in a traditional French cooking class. In that post Clotilde mentioned a honey-ginger pork chop while illustrating a sample menu that the class would work on during a session.

Though to me it's neither traditional nor French, I thought it would be a nice preparation for pork chops I had purchased a day before. Clotilde didn't include a recipe for that dish, and I hope she will someday, so I had to come up with one of my own.

I liberally modified a recipe I found on epicurious.com and the result was fantastic. The sweetness of the honey is balanced by the spicy ginger and the tangy combination of soy and hoisin. I highly doubt that would resemble Clotilde's traditional-French preparation, but I think it's pretty yummy. Holly agreed, saying "I could definitely eat this again."

GINGER-SOY PORK CHOPS with HONEY-ORANGE CARROTS
Serves 4.

4 Pork Chops, half-inch thick (about 2 pounds total)
1 Tbsp Soy Sauce
1 Tbsp grated ginger
2 Tbsp honey
2 Tbsp hoisin
1/4 cup water
2 Tbsp sesame seeds, toasted

Combine all of the ingredients except for the pork chops and sesame seeds to make a marinade. Marinade the pork chops in a ziplock bag for 30 minutes per side or overnight.

Preheat the oven to 375 F.

Arrange the pork chops in a broiler-proof baking dish, reserve the marinade. Brush some marinade on the pork side facing up. Bake for 15 minutes on the middle rack. Flip the pork chops and brush more marinade on side facing up and bake for another 15 minutes or until a thermometer inserted through the side registers 165 F.

Remove the dish from the oven and preheat the broiler. Flip the pork chops and brush on more marinade. Broil 3-4 inches from the broiler for 1-2 minutes until well browned but be careful that the marinade does not burn. Flip the pork chops again and pour on the last of the marinade and repeat the broiling.

Sprinkle with toasted sesame seeds and serve with orange-honey carrots on the side.

Honey-Orange Carrots

2 Carrots, sliced 1/4" thick
1 T honey
Juice of 1 orange
pinch of cardamom (optional)

In a small saucier over medium flame dissolve the honey in the orange juice. Add the carrots and cardamom and bring to a simmer. Reduce heat, cover and simmer the carrots until they are just softened, about 8-10 minutes. Remove the carrots and bring the honey-orange sauce to a boil. Reduce the sauce to about 2-3 tablespoons. Put the carrots back in and toss to coat and warm the carrots.

Points For Style

It should be a simple rule: If it's judged, it's not a real sport. Ice skating? Not a real sport. Ice dancing? Puh-leeze. Definitely not a real sport.

I'm not saying that ice skaters and dancers aren't athletic. They're great athletes. They're more athletic than the the people who compete in curling, which is a sport. Ice skaters and dancers can do stuff I couldn't even dream of doing, but that doesn't make what they do a sport. There are people who can do amazing things with a yo-yo, but yo-yoing is not a sport. An amusing pastime, yes, but not a sport. Not even if you can do the "walk the dog" yo-yo trick.

The key difference is that sport is measured, not judged. Sport is a pitting yourself against nature or against your fellow man who is trying to do the same thing better than you, or somebody who is trying to hurt you. Sure, you are tempted to say that ice dancers compete against other ice dancers, but that's not really true. Ice dancers are competing against the judge's idea of perfection, which may or may not include how nice their smile is. To illustrate what I mean, consider an ice dancing competition in which only one couple was skating. They win, no matter what the score, but if they didn't get a perfect score then what the judge is really telling them is that they still sucked.

In a real sport, there's no place for people who judge your form. Ski jumping is a good example of a real sport that has been ruined by subjectivity. Ski jumpers are not only scored on their distance, but their "style." What is up with that? Screw the style points. How far can you fly, man? That should be the only measure. Who cares if they fly through the air backwards or upside down. Just measure where their feet (or head) hits the ground and give the gold medal to whoever goes farthest, even if it's posthumous because their head-first landing was fatally bad. Dick Fosbury, the inventor of the Fosbury Flop, found a new way to jump higher. If there were style points, he wouldn't have won and he would not have revolutionized the high jump.

I'm not saying that judging form isn't important. It's not important in sports, but it's important to my buddies and I when we go out looking to meet some nice babes. All of us guys have our strategies, tactics and our never-fail pickup lines. But sometimes my pickup lines fizzle like a wet fuse--even my best ones like "Darling, heaven must be missing an angel," and "Call the cops, baby, cuz it's gotta be illegal to look that good." When that happens I have to sulk back to home base where my friends will tell me "Jimbo, that was a mighty flameout, but i'll give you points for style."

Bad-luck Bode

Bode Miller is Oh-Fer-Donuts so far at the Olympics. I feel bad for the dude because he is a great skier, or at least he was, but he's definitely not on his game right now. Commentators say that he looks like he's out of shape. But being a chubby skier doesn't necessarily mean you can't kick ass. Alberto Tomba was a kick ass skier and he was almost always a little chub.

To win a gold medal in the men's alpine events you need so many things to line up, plus a little luck. There is so much more outside of your control. The course conditions play a big part in the luck you have. There are ruts all over the course and if you are unlucky you will hit a deep one on the wrong part of your skis at the wrong part of your turn and next thing you know you are looking up at plastic orange fence.

But strength and aggression are two things you can control. In yesterday's Giant Slalom finals, Austrian Hermann Maier went horizontal in his second run with both skis in the air but his strength not only saved the turn but got him the bronze medal. Conversely, Canada's Francois Bourque, the leader after the first run, choked on his second run. His lack of aggression pushed him off the podium.

Bode's a partier, so what. Tomba partied hard too. But Tomba knew when to bring his game. It doesn't look like Bode was ready for the Olympics, and he definitely doesn't have luck on his side. He even sprained an ankle playing basketball today. The dude can't buy luck right now.

As expected, there's some good humor out there at Bode's expense. The best one I've heard was in an interview with Bob Costas and a local Salt Lake City NBC affiliate so those of you who don't watch KSL in Salt Lake City may not have heard it.

KSL: The Budweiser hospitality house is right next to the U.S. hospitality house. Why do you think that is?
Costas: I don't know. So that Bode Miller has easy access?

Blueprint

Blueprint is a very fun Mensa-test brain-teaser kind of game. The object the game is to arrange the objects on the screen to get the ball to hit the target. New screens seem to be added fairly regularly.